A Personal (and Maybe Ridiculous) Crisis Of Confidence…

If you’ve been following me on Instagram lately, you’ll know all too well from my stories that I’ve been having to wear my glasses for a while before I have laser eye surgery. Today! Today is the day I get my sight back – which I haven’t had without the use of glasses or contacts since I was about say, 10 years old? I usually wear contact lenses every damn day, but they can affect the shape of your cornea and the test results before laser eye surgery, so you need to allow your eyes time to adjust, therefore you’re stuck in a bespectactled pre-lasering limbo, which is where I’ve been for the past 10 days or so. Responses to my (many many) moaning Insta stories (sorry) about wearing glasses has been much along the lines of “but they are SO CUTE!” and “they’re so cool why are you having laser eye surgery!?” and the guys I’ve put off going on dates with because I don’t want to show up in glasses have all said “what a shame – glasses are so sexy!” because let’s face it, they probably have watched too many sexy secretary pornos.

Now, I’m all too aware that glasses are trendy. Especially big ones. Big, geeky glasses a-la Alessandro Michele’s Gucci and in the style of every girl on Instagram right now. Heck, I know more people that wear glasses for pure fashion purposes than actually needing them for vision! But when you grew up wearing glasses, the lack of choice in being able to wear them – even just for the past 10 days – is frustrating. It’s hard to say this without feeling a pang of guilt and concern someone will clap back and say “at least you can see!” – but I’ve found myself in a total crisis of confidence.

You see, I just have this thing with glasses, and I know exactly where it stems from. I know I’ve written before about being bullied and the way it affected my confidence growing up, but what I left out of that post was how things began to change around about the time I stopped wearing glasses. It wasn’t that I was ever bullied for wearing glasses (although kids can be cruel and pick out the smallest feature to call you out on) but it’s more about how wearing them, personally, held me back a little. It’s the way you let it affect you.

I wore my specs up until I was around 15-16, and I remembered buying a pair of ‘expensive’ sunglasses (£40) that I couldn’t wear unless I wore contact lenses, as my eyesight is far too bad to just go without any form of vision correction. So I went out and got a box of contacts to try. I came back from my easter break at school with new sunglasses and a new look and the compliments flooded in. Girls, boys, even teachers said I looked more confident and happy. It was a though putting on my glasses created a wall of insecurity that I hid behind, and taking them off, well, totally dissolved that barrier. I felt like a new person. Sophie 2.0 – and ever since, climbing the confidence ladder has been so much easier.

Plus, I’ve gone through a break up so I’m feeling damn ready to get out there and flirt and feel sexy and go on dates but… I feel like I’m having to put the breaks on things so that I can wait for the laser eye surgery THEN go on a date, lest I turn up in glasses and don’t look anything like my Tinder pics. And it’s not like I can just take my glasses off because, well, I can’t see anyone. And if you’re doing the whole “lets meet at X tube station at 8pm” thing, that won’t work if you just can’t see them (or you might end up going up for a nice-to-meet-you-air-kiss with the Big Issue man.) It’s as though when I put my glasses on, knowing that I can’t take them off, I’m putting that insecurity barrier up all over again.

And of course, I know it’s ridiculous to moan about this short period of time of feeling total uggs because I mean, it’s for the entirely worthy cause of getting my full sight back again! I totally understand what makes everyone feel confident and happy is different – so some people may LOVE their glasses. I love the novelty of glasses, and I love being able to put mine on sometimes just to have that certain kind of look. But having to wear something which takes you back to those awful years of being a scaredy insecure teen has sucked. Espesh when the sun’s been out and you want to wear your new sunglasses. (Hard life I know!)

Another note on confidence: denim shorts have been one of my biggest fears for a few years. Forever seeing photos on Tumblr/ Instagram/ Pinterest of wonderfully slim limbed girls in denim cut-offs when you feel like yours resemble two chunky butchers sausages squeezing out of the frayed hems has meant that this summer style staple has remained firmly in the ‘holiday only’ section of my wardrobe. But here we are! Taking a step in denim shorts and feeling  a m a z i n g  in them. In fairness, when I slipped them on I had that annoying issue girls with big hips/bum and small waists get when no matter how loose they are around your waist etc, they ride right up and you lose a few more inches. BUT, I overcame it and owned it. Small steps. Feeling fine.

So what makes YOU feel confident? What makes you lose your confidence? And what do you do about it when you’re feeling less than your best?