1. Your Ex
I’m a big believer in what you don’t know can’t hurt you, so avoiding insta-stalking exes is high on the agenda, and checking his profile is only going to result in something along the lines of oh dear god he’s now got a kitten why did I break up with him maybe I should just text him?? Oh wait I deleted his number! Maybe I can remember it off by heart – 07898 is it a 7? I’ll just try a 7…
Or it could bring back awful memories of that weird twitch he got when he was mad. Or how much you hated that shit tattoo on his arse that he got during a lads holiday. His obsession with reality TV. Either way, when you had such a big bond and they formed such a large part of your life, it’s actually quite weird that they so often become zero part of it. Dipping into their Instagram account every now and again feels like a totally non-offensive way of seeing how they are doing without sending a text that’s sure to enrage their new girlfriend. Which leads me to…
2. Your Ex’s New Girlfriend/Love interest
Is she prettier than me? Does she have a better body than me? Does she have a better job than me? I’ll just screenshot 50 of her photos and share them on the group whatsapp and I swear if anyone says she’s above a 4/10 I’ll delete them off Facebook. Forever.
Let’s face it, who hasn’t at least once checked out the girl that took over from you after you moved on from a relationship? And then compare yourself. Then make up conclusions about what she’s like as a person. “Ew she’s wearing fake Louboutin’s! So she clearly must have chlamydia!” It’s fine, it happens. And it doesn’t matter whether your relationship ended on good terms or bad terms, there’s always a deep sense of intrigue into who came after you and whether they upgraded or downgraded… You might be happy in your own relationship, but something about prying into theirs is so damn enjoyable…
3. The guy you like’s ex.
4. That girl you used to be best friends with in school and now for some reason you hate each other…
5. That really cool person
You knew of this person because they were one of the cool kids at school. But then you all left and nobody heard from them again. Then they cropped up on social media, as elusive as ever. They post pictures on exotic beaches, backstage at gigs in giant stadiums, cityscapes, exclusive galleries, plane tickets, and is that a selfie with Taylor Swift???? I hear she’s dating the lead singer of that really cool band. I hear she became muse to a rich aristocratic Parisian artist. Their insta-bio? It says nothing. What do they even do for a job? Whatever it is, it makes my 9-5 desk-based job feel like a torturous run through the inner circle of hell. It’s like the Margo Roth Speigelman of your world. Of course, they only post every two weeks, so you can never keep full tabs on what they’re doing. It’s a mystery. It’s addictive.
6. The one that got away
It may have been at a house party, whilst ordering a coffee, or getting a kebab at 3:45am on Saturday morning three years ago in March, but you and this person shared a moment. Whatever that moment was or is, I’ll let you be the boss of that one. But it happened. And you still like to check in on their profile thinking of what their grid of pictures could have looked like if you got together like you know you were so clearly destined to do.
7. The hot girl
She looks like you, but a million times better. Like the really cool person, you don’t particularly know what she does, but she Instagram’s so good. Her body, her face, her hair, everything is just so hot that it makes it totally okay that every single picture on her profile is either a selfie or mirror selfie (yep, she’s that hot). She makes you feel bad about yourself because you are you and not her, and still you love her.